The Guide to NZ - Pt 1

With a few visitors heading to our adopted shores over the next wee while, I thought it may be a good idea to give you a heads up on all things "Kiwiana" - the weird and wonderful things that gives Kiwis their identity. I will be serialising this well known public information over the next few weeks to gradually prepare family and friends for their trips. (Sadly, I can't take credit for writing it, I'm just editing and publishing!)

Anyway, today's is an important topic for any new arrivals to NZ - Geography. 

New Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as the Ukraine is to Scotland. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell them to beat it. It is bigger than Great Britain & Northern Ireland, but smaller than Canada.

There are two main islands - The North Island and The South Island.   There is also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which need concern you.

The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island, but South Islanders who refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are tubes.

The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 900,000 people, many of whom own Holdens. The capital is Wellington, which is really boring and windy so don't go there. The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton (Hamilton NZ, not Hamilton North Lanarkshire).

Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.

All you need know when travelling in New Zealand is: North Island: beaches, South Island: mountains and don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.

The perfect NZ tourist's map is world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940s or 50s. It has marked on New Zealand three cities - Auckland, Wellington and Bennydale. Go to Bennydale, it's choice. Mollusc's dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.

If you're a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential.   You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn now lives in Melbourne.

Hamilton, like in the Scottish version, is a strange place - very foggy in winter, and not in Canada (or Connecticut for that matter). If you are hitch hiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other,which will a) take about two hours and b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.